Absolutely devastated.

Last Tuesday (May 5) my grandmother Joyce Laureene Wright died unexpectedly. It was 4 days before her birthday and the Tuesday before Mother's Day. My family was supposed to go visit for her birthday that weekend and also for my cousin's graduation. Instead we celebrated the graduation followed by a wake and a funeral.

While it was really wonderful seeing my family (between my parents, my brother, me, my uncle and aunt and their 4 kids it's really hard for us all to be in one place at the same time) the reason we had all come together was tinged with a bittersweet air. I haven't been to many funerals in my lifetime and I'm not a very outwardly emotional person. I keep my feelings inward a lot and I never cry. In bad situations I'm pretty good at being the person that can be the least emotional.

The first funeral I remember was my three year old cousin Brittany (I was no older than 4) when she died of unknown causes...and obviously at that time I didn't understand the depth and the real finality of death. When I was 13 my great grandmother Dema died, and even though we were close and it was sad, I didn't cry. She was in her late 80's and had lived a good life. And who knows, maybe at the age of 13 or 14 even then I still really probably didn't get it. I remember watching my grandmother sob at the funeral and even remember my brother crying. A few years later, my great aunt Ione died and she was in her 90's. I don't even think I was able to go the funeral. She lived with my Grandmother until she needed too much help and the last few years of her life she lived in a nursing home. Although she was frail, till the very last day her memory was sharp and she could recall many stories from her childhood.

Now that I'm older, I obviously do understand the concept of losing someone you love. It was one of the most upsetting if not the saddest experience I've had thus far out of my 22 years of life. It was terrible. I feel like shit. I feel emotionally and physically wrecked inside. My heart truly aches. It's been over a week and it's still bad. I think one of the main reasons as to why it's so upsetting is because she was healthy. The last time I saw her, at Christmas, she was perfectly healthy. It was unexpected. It hurts.

I know that she lived a good life and was loved and loved her family. I know that with time, all things get easier. And for those that believe in an afterlife, she's probably playing Yahtzee with Grandma Dema and Aunt Ione (the trifecta of women....and probably hating every minute of it.) I know all of this. But despite it all, it's still so very hard.

I'll miss driving to Matthews, Indiana and everyone piling onto the hard, concrete floors to sleep at night (all six of us kids....only to realize 3 months ago that every single couch in that house was a pull-out bed...), I'll miss the covered bridge and carving our initials into the wood and then coming back years later to find them, I'll miss running around the cemetery across from the house because there's absolutely no where else to go and nothing else to do except to look at all the graves and climb on the old Civil War (or WW1) canon. I'll miss driving around anywhere and listening to her softly hum to herself in the backseat of the car, or miss when she'd interject into a comversation with something we talked about 10 minutes ago, I'll miss when she'd have a glass of Bailey's after dinner calling it, "the good stuff", I'll miss looking at her and my mom together and realizing that they look exactly a like (something I'd never noticed before a couple of years ago). I'll miss her sweet nature and optimism and the way that she never had an unkind word to say about anyone. I'll miss the stories of her childhood and the humor in your old time phrases. I'll miss cringing to myself when she would visit every time I walk into the TV room because her "shows" and game shows are so goddamn loud. I'll miss her giggles and how she LOVED to stay in hotels (why? no on knows.) I'll miss the fact that she'd horde EVERYTHING like there was going to be an armageddon any day...(and if that armageddon really did happen, then she'd be the only one with stockpiles of fiber, toilet paper, lightbulbs and soup.)

There's so many things that I'll miss. I feel so bad like I took her for granted in some ways because I thought she had more time.

It'll be hard thinking towards the holidays and realizing she won't be there. It's hard knowing that we won't ever have to explain how to use the water dispenser. Or that my mom will never have to pick out an outfit for her to wear to a special event because she'd get so nervous beforehand.

I'm sad I didn't get to say goodbye

You will be missed and I'll think of you often.

I just hope that you know you were loved.